i remember when i joined the pop dance competition way back into my junior years. well, it was actually my first dance competition, aside from cheerdance and folk dance, for school officers are banned to join such competitions. anyways, the title of the dance is "push it" by corbin bleu. as we danced as wild as we could, the only thing that was being puffed on my mind is the fact that we need to dance because it's the only time that we seemed to be less knotty. but, i guess, that ideology was mine and i don't have any idea about what they [my co-dancers kuno :)] think about. and we won the said contest, made the school's last song syndrome, popularized the figure/step.

i guess, you're wondering why i'm in the blogging mode [bragging mode] about that. but it's not like that. i really don't care at all about winning and dancing, but what provoked me to write now is the lyric or line from our contest piece. it says that, "push it. push it to the limit."

i'm currently enrolled in a 5-year course and i'll have to label it because it has a label. toinkx. mkay. so i'm taking up bachelor of science in chemical engineering - an unexpected degree. i've always dreamt of counting paper bills in banks abroad or sitting on an airconditioned office while waiting for someone to approach me and ask me about notarization process. i was admitted in bachelor of arts in political science and i was planning ahead of time to switch to bs accountancy. then, here comes the evil scholarship who ruined the plans of great grandpa eduardo. my interests were not accredited by the scholarship and so i have to be divulged into something to avail it. *sighs. but i believe that somehow i'm destined to love chem eng. it's a mystery and i have to figure it out.

i really hate chemistry. i used to hide my face and my ears in thick books while our chem teacher who was named miley cyrus though she was named after a chemical substance [the hell we care. peace out maam. :)] is in the bridge of her boring concert. i failed also in the eight essential amino acid exams and i just don't find myself within it. but she [our teacher] was one of the reasons why i commit an educational suicide, i didn't choose any fields because i was inspired by the fact that she graduated holding a degree in bs mathematics but she went to school again and studied chemistry. and looking her now, apart from seeing her with whipped chalks on her hair, she is now on her dissertation for her doctorals. see, i can be like her someday if i'll learn to love what i'm holding and taking what is just being served as of the moment.

hmmp. i'm really pushing myself into the limit. after educational suicide, i'm now into social suicide. what would you expect from a promdi in an activist-filled, center of excellence university?? oh God. take my life. just jesting. nywei, i'm not just enrolled in a wrong degree, i'm also enrolled in the wrong school. not that i don't like UP, it was my dream school after all. take note "was". continuation: it feels like it's intimidating and be it. don't drop the fact that you're not solely existing. stepping on the grounds of the great oblation statuesque, is a great decision, i guess. but i had to make a choice and i just did. and i figured out that it would be the best if i won't turn my back. this is the point of no return, i have to swallow my fears. haha. btw, it's an odd feeling, how i hate being here but loving to be labeled as an "isko". it's really a strike. a nerve-cracking one. it just keeps on repeating inside my head like an 'injured' cd - university of the philippines [visayas], one of the homes of the chosen ones. oha.

so now, it turned out that the stuff i hated most, the school i used to dream converges in a single jiffy. i guess this is the so-called karma and i have to love it by hook or by crook. this is not pushing myself into my boundaries, this is discovering that what i thought as my limit is not a limit after all, that i'm not capsulized. for it is the time when we learn to face what we fear most or what we hate most that we know what are ourselves really made of. i'm a bit scared about what lies ahead. i'm hesitant though i'm so desperate. how frustrating!

i'll have to update this site about my current college status, about what i'm into, about what i have to do, about college life itself. that's all for now.

"no matter what i do, what i say, what i believe, i'm bankrupt without love."

i'm planning to order [planning pa lang naman, i might change my mind]. help me naman.

uhm, from sindikatoinc.multiply.com

gusto mo rin buh? astig hindi ba??

my first speech in UP Visayas.

Good morning.

At this moment, we, the newest set of Iskolar ng Bayan are taking a major switch from our dramatic world of high school to the action-packed, reality-oriented portals of college. College is just a place somewhere in the world. It may look like it’s your world or maybe it’s nothing like it. But, if you’ll look closer, you might see someone like you, someone trying to find his way, his place, and his self. It could be a replica of what you thought of yourself. But whatever it is that we are seeking here in the country’s premiere university, we should instill on our mind that we are here not just to taste what college is but also to take a part of what is it.

For me, being in the University of the Philippines Visayas is both a boon and a bane. Boon, for we are the so-called chosen ones and bane, for the expectations are really stressing us out. It’s absurd to imagine that out of the thousand students who took entrance examination, we are hardly any in here to face the more challenging yet fulfilling college life. This is the real thing and we should make the most of our stay here. We, the freshmen, came from different walks of life. Some are jocks, some are badly intelligent. Some are high school prom queens and kings; others didn’t even go to their school prom. There are loners and there are friend magnets. But I guess, the university doesn’t care much about who we are and who we probably used to be. They are much aware and concerned about who are we going to be years from now and so we should let go of our identity. We can never sail far if we won’t lose the sight of the shore. Anyway, one thing to admire in UP is their capacity to mold our future. When it comes to quality education, there’s nothing to more to ask from this university. What you see is what you get. And I’m sure that our parents made a good investment by sending us here.

Most of us freshmen are still on that homesick mode. Initial feeling, right? After almost 16 years in our comfort zone, we are now brought to unfamiliar grounds and we struggle to cope. But this is our home for the rest of our days in college; we shouldn’t feel ill at ease and tongue-tied. Friends are here to make our stay worthwhile so we’ll have to see them starting today.

Apart from that, we can count on two groups – the first is the upper class. They were right here before and so they can lead and guide us; maybe to the right, where I guess there’s nothing left or probably to the left, where there’s nothing right. We’ve met some on our orientation, and as observed, they let us feel that we are welcome here and we are part of the university. And that’s a good thing to look forward to. Some are familiar to us way back in high school, others are just popular enough that we used to know them by their names, by their faces; nevertheless, there are still lots of faces here we are about to bump along the campus and we should feel free to befriend them. The second group is the university’s personnel, faculty and staffs, it’s early to tell what they look like or what they can do or what they are about to do to us. But I’m quite sure of two things; first, they can really help us, not just in our studies but also on how we will live our life here. Second, I know they’re good because if they’re not, then they’re probably better or the best.

We have so many things to anticipate but let me just share my expectations which some of you expects too. Aside form terrific and stunning teachers, peaceful and conducive place to learn, mile walk from building to the next building, rallies and expressive forums, certified UP activities like the oblation run, meeting new friends, aside from what we are expecting most, we should expect the unexpected. This is UP, and everything is possible.

Finally, I want to end this talk with an inspiring quote from Shakespeare. It says that, “There’s a tide in the affairs of men, which taken on to flood leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage in their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea, we are now afloat and we must take the current when it serves or lose our ventures.” It means that life is too short and opportunities are rare. We have to be vigilant in order to look after them. By this, I mean not only to the opportunities to succeed but the chance to laugh and see the enchanting world. Let’s take every step because time passes us all by one.

We are thankful to the University for their hospitability and the warm welcome they afforded us. It’s nice for us, the freshmen, to feel that we are actually here and we are part of the UP community.

I guess that’s all I can offer. Thank you. Good day and see you when I see you.

1:21 am na pero ang inyong lingkod ay hindi pa rin natutulog.

mukhang pinapagod ang sarili sa kakababad sa magdamagang internet na parang hindi siya nakapaglog-in sa talambuhay niya. pero hayaan na natin si lolo dahil masyado siyang problemado; problemado nga ba siya? o gumamagawa lang siya ng sarili niyang problema? sinong nakakaalam kung ano ang takbo ng kanyang pag-iisip? pero isa lang siguro ang dahilan kung bakit halos ganito siya buong linggo at kung ano man yun, 'believe it or not, just drop it. prying kills a cat, and i hope you're not'. seh. napaenglish ang gago.^^

sa kasalukuyan, maihahambing ko ang aking sarili sa hayden-katrina scandal, o sa a(h1n1), or sa con-ass [or cha-cha wateyber thing na yan]. bakit? pareho kaming may mga isyu. siyempre iba-iba. sa akin, pansarili lamang at hindi yung tipo na ikayayamot ng sambayanan dahil sa pagkalat nito na parang sirang plaka. haha. at ang kaibahan? aside sa parehong nagmula sa mga baboy ang tatlo. haha. [enough. baka masampahan na ako ng kaso sa pinagsusulat ko. feeling:)]. anyway, liban doon. di hamak naman na mas madali itong lutasin. well, ihalintulad natin sa isang algebraic problem, specifically yung kinkailangan ng quadratic formula. unang tingin parang ang hirap, pero madali lang siya yun nga lang masyadong marami ka pang dapat na isolve, dapat unahin para magtapos ka sa tamang sagot [aba, mathematician-wannabe ata.]. at oo, matagal. that's the difference between "hard" and "rigorous" or "exhausting" [at nagyon, parang expert sa linguistics.].

ano nga ba ang problema? ok, magbibigay ako ng sitwasyon. iinom ka ng "wine", ano ang uunahin mo - ang alak o ang yelo? hindi mo pwedeng pagsabayin kasi, dadalawa lang ang kamay mo eh. so kailangan mong pumili, pwede mong unahin ang yelo, tapos isunod ang alak. pwede rin na baliktad. pero ang punto, dapat mayroon kang unahin. sa kaso ko, pwede kong unahin ang alak kaso mukhang useless na siya kasi, unti-unti nang matutunaw ang yelo sa ice bucket o sa kamay ko. kaya ito ang inuuna ko sa ngayon. kasi ang alak, nasa bote naman yan kung talagang paro sayo, diba? di naman yan mawawala. unless, nakawin ng iba or worst, inumin ng iba. pero, siguro nga, hindi kasing dali ng kuwento ng alak at yelo ang kuwento ko. ito ay binubuo ng mga taong mahal ko, ng mga pangarap ko, ng sarili ko.

at sa totoo lang, nasasaktan ako. kasi walang gustong umintindi ng desisyon ko. na kasalanan ko kasi pwede naman ding ipagsabay. well, ikaw siguro makakaya mo, pero ako ay hindi ikaw at ikaw ay kailanma'y hindi magiging ako. nakakapagdagdag lang sa pasanin ko ang mga impresyon na sa katunayan ay hindi ko naman dapat pinapansin pero heto pa rin kasi ako, tao - napapagalaw rin ng emosyon. balang araw, makikita rin nila siguro ang punto ko. but i'm not closing doors to the fact that i might be the one who chose the wrong path. anyways, sinasabi ng ilan na "hindi ko raw siya mahal", bakit, ano bang alam nila sa pagmamahal at isusumbat nila sa akin ang mga katagang iyan? nararamdaman ba nila ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing kasama ko siya at kapag wala siya? naririnig ba nila ang bawat tibok ng puso kong kumakalabog pagnakikita ko siya? nakikita ba nila ang saya kapag kausap ko siya? kung oo, alam mo bang naging buhay ko na rin siya? kung hindi naman, shut up ka na lang. pls. at ang epal mo para sabihin na sana hindi ko na lang sana inumpisahan para walang masaktan. bakit sino ka ba, ha? sino ka para diktahan ako, kung ano ang iisipin ko? kung ano ang itatakbo ng kuwento ko? kung ano ang dapat kung maramdaman? "palagi ka kasing nakatitig sa mga bagay na gusto mong tingnan, bakit di mo kaya subukang pakinggan ang mga katagang hindi mo pa napapakinggan at mas lalong hindi mo pa nakita? baka sakaling malaman mo kung ano ang dapat mong maramdaman."

at ikaw naman, hindi na ako magsasayang ng load ko para ipaliwanag sa iyo ang lahat. hindi na rin kita kukulitin sa ym at sa friendster. hindi na rin ako magtetext sa cellphone mo, hindi na ako magpaparamdam. pagod na rin siguro ang gagong 'to sa kakahabol sa iyo para makipag-usap. kung ayaw mo, eh di wag. tapos ang kuwento. pero tandaan mo lang sana, na hindi ako nagbago ng pakiramdam, may kinakailangan lang akong unahin. at marahil nga tama ako sa naging desisyon ko, kasi ngayon pa lang, nakikita ko na walang tao na makakapagtimpi sa kung paano ko pinapapagalaw ang mundo ko. at wag mong sabihin na hindi kita minahal dahil sa totoo lang, *wag na lang siguro. wala din naman akong maipagyayabang bilang katibayan baka mapahiya pa ako.

pero hindi naman ako ikaw. marahil nga ay nasaktan kita, at mas marami akong intindihin sa iyo.

haay. nawalan na ako ng naiisip.
masyadong gabi na. aiie. toinkx.
umaga na pala. haha.
manonood ata kami maya-maya sa OWL ng sunrise.
OWL is Ocean Wet Laboratory. [tama ba?]
may dagat kasi doon.
nywei. gutom na ako ngayon.
pringles and fit n right for breakfast.
nagkakahawaan na rin dito ng flu at fever.
next victim ata ako. haha.
paano ba yan?
mukhang inaantok na ako uh.
goodnight na lang :]